Lucius Malfoy Doesn't Like Fanfiction
by Someone Haiku
Summary: Really, as if he needed anymore proof Muggles were idiots. This 'fanfiction' website had scarred him for life
1. Lucius Malfoy Doesn't Like Fanfiction

**This is supposed to be a story to mock the really D-U-M-B things that people do on fanfiction. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but maybe their own opinion should not spawn a kajillion fanfics that the summary alone makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a fork.** **These chapters are all (sadly) based on real things I have seen. Hopefully I offend no one with this, it's just the characters reacting, not necessarily always me.**

As if he'd needed anymore proof that Muggles were filth.

Lucius Malfoy was not pleased. He had recently seen some very... _disturbing_ things.

Namely, fanfiction. He just couldn't risk the temptation of searching himself, attempting to find praiseworthy material about him. He had found a good number of stories that shipped him with his actual wife, Narcissa.

And then he'd seen it. The first inkling something was wrong in the fanfic world. A story shipping him with Andromeda. Then another shipping him with _Bellatrix_ of all people. As if that would ever happen. Bellatrix had a very unhealthy and disturbing obsession with the Dark Lord, bordering on stalkerish.

But even Bellatrix's creepy crush on Voldemort was nothing compared to the fanfiction summary he had just read.

It made him physically recoil from the screen, emitting a very ladylike gasp of horror. Then he ran to the bathroom and weeped. Lucius Malfoy needed therapy.

Would you like to know what he saw?

Too bad, I'm not telling you.

Okay, I'll tell you.

Lucius Malfoy had just seen a fanfiction shipping him with **_his own son!_** Here's the summary, as best as I can recall it.

' _After the Battle of Hogwarts, the Malfoy family has grown closer. What Narcissa doesn't know is how close her husband and son have become. Lucius/Draco'_

Lucius Malfoy is a damaged man, and now you know why.

 **Love it? Hate it? Let me know in the reviews! Thanks for reading!**


	2. Draco Malfoy Is Bored And Rather Unwise

**Back gain with Chapter Two! Thank you all for the reviews, as well as a the constructive criticism for this! Hope you enjoy.**

Draco Malfoy was no fool. He knew how weak-willed his father really was, claiming to hate Muggles, yet snooping around on a Muggle device. It was pathetic really.

Draco himself would not own to the fact that he himself occasionally snuck on the laptop his father had stashed in the back of his closet, claiming it was only to keep tabs on Lucius.

"As bad as a Weasley," Draco sniffed opening up the computer. "Doesn't even have a seal of protection on this thing, anyone could get in!"

The young Malfoy had seen a rather pallid looking Lucius rush to the bathroom and slam the door, and figured it was the perfect opportunity to 'keep tabs'. (Really, he was just googling himself),

"Well, well, what do we have here?", Draco muttered, opening up a tab titled 'Harry Potter Fanfiction'.

"Of course, it has to be named after that idiot _Potter_." the boy hissed, scrolling down. His dear father had obviously plugged his name on into the search bar.

"Arrogant, self centered man, isn't he?" Draco mused, typing in _Draco Malfoy_. Looking at all the pages and pages of stories, Draco was feeling pretty good about himself. Until he started reading the summaries.

Draco almost choked on his tea he had apparently been drinking this whole time.

"Darry? What in the name of the Dark Lord is _Drarry!?"_ the wizard gasped. Sure enough, there were at least two hundred more stories claiming he and Potter were in a relationship, or, 'ship' as it was supposedly called.

As horrid as that was, (he and Potter were arch-nemeses! How dare those low bred Muggles!) he felt slightly more repulsed at all the Fanfiction stories that decided he and that filthy MudBlood Granger were a ship.

After an hour and a half of Draco aimlessly scrolling through the dirty minded Hal's of Fanfiction, Lucius came out of the bathroom, tear streaked and especially sullen.

Draco turned around lie a deer caught in the headlights and promptly started sobbing. Running from the room, he found a house elf, and ordered it to 'kill it, kill it, make it no more! Please, get rid of it! Smash it! Smash all the Muggles and their horrid creations!'

Reflecting back on his life, years later, an older Draco determined that it was that day that led him down the path of evil, and what eventually guided him to become a Death Eater.

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